dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
