Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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