The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
