just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
