I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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