Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
