there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
