I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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