Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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