Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
