I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
