Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
