Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
