i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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