can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
