I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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