I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
