I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
