Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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