There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
