I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The uberlube is also flammable
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
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Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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