Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
