R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
