We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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