my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
