those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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