I didn't shave. On purpose
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
