i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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