all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
