Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
