I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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