I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
