I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
