I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
