So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
