We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
