Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
