the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
