She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
