when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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