I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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