Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
