Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
