I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Randomize
