I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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