My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
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This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
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so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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