i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
