Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
