I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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