I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
