hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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