Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
