I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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