So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
