its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
