My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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